Yes, it's true, the church has been suspended. Why? It came to my attention that the church was too stable, the point of it was it's instability. Therefore, I kicked my self out of most of it, me being the head of the church, in order that I might create a bit of chaos. Here is the letter that I sent to the fellow church memebers:
This letter is long over due, but it has been chaotic the past week. As my possible last act as head of the Church, I hereby excommunicate the following for reasons that will be explained with in this very letter: myself. I am now forming a new Church, the Church of Pat II. Think of it as similar to Coke II, it's like the original only sweeter, and who knows, maybe people wont buy it. Charlie is right, to shock a group of liberals is quite fun. Seeing as how there is no higher law in your group now, things being equal, my having left no successor as of yet, I have no other option to declare you all communists and thus, declare war on you for the better sake of the nation. I choose to remain only as protector of the title of leader, so anyone who wishes to take control must first defeat me and my underlings in hand to hand combat. Ha ha ha, and more evil laughing. You are all doomed! It is laughable that I have been able to lead you this far astray.The new Church might take your membership, if you are deemed worthy (a hint would be to join my web ring,) but I am making no guarentees that there will even be members. Pray that I come to your rescue some day. That is all for now.
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An Explanation
Now the Church of Pat is not an entirely new concept. It's actually a couple years in the making. It does, in fact. have a following, quite common to the cross country crowd, a large source of members. When ever evil is brewing, the Church of Pat some how becomes involved.
Now over the course of history, there have several corrupt churches, including the one I used to belong to, the Catholic church (GRR.) So hear I am thinking, damn it, i missed out on all the fun! So the Church of Pat was created.
Note:This has nothing to do with henotheism (another story.) You'll read about henotheism later. The Church of Pat is purely a front for crime and financial gain. There have been meetings and I do have a few followers however, and they're not just thugs.
Now some of you may be thinking this is just a ludicrous cult. And the problem is? In my mind church and cult are the same thing! What is the difference? Both want you as a member, both deify something. You're more likely to succeed in a cult.
Anyway, cult/church, in my my mind they refer to the same thing. Church=cult. Cult=church. Whalla! A behold the now unrelated webring!
---Church News---
Update: after seeing a Channel One report of cults, I've decided that my cult doesn't do enough. Therefore, after much thought, I have decided to wage war on wood. Yes, wood. Think about it, do we really need wood? Just the other day, both a tree and a mailbox jumped out and tried to kill me while I was running. By replacing wood with plastic, i wont have to worry about them jumping at us. I currently have a scar on my face from a tree (4/11/98) No more splinters either. No, i dont mean get rid of plants, we'd die, just get rid of the trees and other wood products in my general area. I feel this is just crazy enough to avoid offending anyone while still giving the cult a false sense of purpose. Nothing has to be done, just growl at a tree every now and then. Easy, eh? I'm also considering starting a war on Jeff Bliss' car, it's beiing trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me.
---3/31---Well, it sure has been a busy week for the church of pat this week, another declaration of war is out. By popular demand, a war has been declared against Mrs. Portinga, our physics student teacher. Long is the list of atrocities (spelling?) she has committed, hard is the core for which she sucks, great are the delusions that we have been forced to create to escape the reality of her class. Therefore, the war against Mrs. Portinga is now official, she will be hanged by a closed circut loop.
War has been also called upon Mr. Jenkins, the Physics teacher, who has allowed the suckage that is Mrs. Portinga to run free. For confiding in her and allowing her to reach this point, the Church of Pat has no choice but to declare war on him and use him as insulation in a 50,000 volt capacitor
Soon the power of our natural selector, Nolan Erickson, will be further enhanced with the ability to stop the course of evolution with a simple coupon, which is being made at this moment
---4/26--- A few changes have been made to the church. Instead of needing five people agreeing to an act for in to take affect, i'm increased the minimum to thirteen. Secondly, the I have decided to declare war on Juan Valdez and his magical donkey. Surely not all of those cans are full of coffee, and the church of pat has net yet involved itself in a drug war, so I jumped at the chance to enter this one. It is also rumored that Ben Nobel, a student at our school, is the illegitiamte son of Juan, making this even more important. Later, I will elaborate on the situation, I still need more sleep, I have not fully recovered from yesterday's track meet.
---5/18---All is well, the missing link to the web ring has been found. Most beloved member Beth has done the amazing, she has created a new icon for the church. Quite simply, it's a jesus fish (you know, the ancient Greek anagram) and had the words "Church of Pat" placed in it, all in the format of a window sticker. Ingenius! I absolutely love it. The plan is to use it as the needed icon for the web ring, as soon as I have some free time that is. Thanks so much Beth.
Another note, the church of pat is being revamped in preparation for hosting a web ring. Look for upcoming changes.
The Church is growing by the month, be the first on your block to join! All donations go here; this is where all the revenue from stealing children goes. If you would like to join my church (NO DONATION REQUIRED OR WANTED) mail me below. Be sure to include the title that you desire.
Members will be listed on this page along with their title. How's that for incentive?
Wall of Members (23 members strong)
I am Grand Master Pat Walker, President and Dictator, Rabbi, Master of the Magical Beans, Pharmaceutical Distributor, Wielder of the spork, Arch Bishop of Pimps, Groovitron Operator, Hillel's Bitch, Prophet of Henotheism, Padidle King, Master of the Voices in Your Head, et cetera
